I had completely forgotten a Dead Rising movie even existed. I remembered hearing about it before it came out, then I guess at some point it must have actually come out because well, I was able to watch it. I believe it was a free movie offered through Crackle. I have seen another of Crackle’s movie offerings. That would be Joe Dirt 2, and it was one of the worst movies I’ve ever sat through, so their eye for quality didn’t inspire much hope in me for this one.
Boy, Maggie is just a factory of sad.
I mean I knew going into it this wasn’t the kind of movie you would perhaps expect when you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to do a zombie movie. I’m sure for most people that paints a pretty delightful picture of Arnold ripping apart hordes of the undead with a non-stop barrage of one-liners to accompany each kill. This is absolutely 100% not that in any way. I knew that, but wow I can’t imagine people who didn’t would have had a very positive reaction.
I own a lot of movies. Like, a lot. This is never more apparent than in situations like what happened with this movie. I was looking through my movies to see if there was a horror movie I happened to own, but hadn’t yet watched. There were a couple of candidates but nothing that stood out as demanding immediate attention. Then I found X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes. And I could not for the life of me remember where it came from. Obviously at some point I exchanged cash for this product, and I think it was pretty recently, but I didn’t have a clear memory of this transaction taking place. But it’s here and I watched it and it ain’t bad so I’m not too upset with my decision making.
Well…that was unexpected.
I saw Honeymoon while browsing through Netflix and thought I remembered hearing positive things about it around this time last year. Plus again, it was short and I needed a movie and since that seems to be the #1 criteria a movie needs to meet to make it into this marathon, I fired it up. What a strange piece of business this movie turned out to be.
It feels like a Poltergeist remake was being talked about for years and any time the idea was brought up, it was met with ridiculous amounts of contempt. People seemed to feel that Poltergeist was one of those untouchable movies that could not be touched by the filthy hands of the remake machine. Of course the same thing was said about movies like The Karate Kid and A Nightmare on Elm Street, and in both of those cases the remake machine proved it listens to no one and does what it pleases.
Then the Poltergeist remake actually came out. And nobody gave a shit.
It’s impossible to talk about Shocker without mentioning the recent passing of writer/director Wes Craven. For those of you who saw my top 30 movies that took about a year and a half to actually complete, you know that the original Nightmare on Elm Street was amongst those elite picks and if I were to do a top 50, you may find Nightmare 3 in there as well, with Scream maybe even getting a shot too. So obviously I’m a fan. Even when his movies aren’t particularly great (such is the case with the one I’m about to write about), they are always at least unique with a handful of memorable sequences. Wes Craven was often a unique voice and it’s really too bad we won’t get to see what else he may have done.
Creep is also a found footage movie. That now makes three found footage movies in three days. I swear I’m not planning this. All I knew about Creep is that people seemed to like it as I remembered reading some positive reviews for it a few months back. When I booted it up and saw that it was indeed going to be another found footage entry, I almost stopped and found something else for day 4. But this one was only 77 minutes long and I really needed a movie I could burn through quickly so I decided to stick it out.
I’ve gone on the record numerous times about my dislike of Paranormal Activity. The series as a whole has had at least one high point (the third movie) but that first movie did not, and continues to not, do it for me at all. I find it to be a largely uneventful slog with unlikable leads. So what if I told you that the director’s follow-up, only now being released after being filmed in 2009, provides an experience that is even less eventful with even less likeable leads? I’m sure you would wisely avoid it. Me on the other hand, well I spent 90 minutes watching it simply because it was the first entry I hadn’t seen in the Netflix horror selection. Lucky me.
I hold the seemingly common opinion of not having fully enjoyed any of M. Night Shyamalan’s movies since Signs about 13 years ago. The Village had its positives and The Happening is certainly hilarious, but after a string of movies where each one seemed determined to sink lower than the previous, I think most people, myself included, figured the director’s days were numbered. Who would trust him with a big budget at this point?
It turns out perhaps nobody because here we have The Visit, a low budget horror comedy that was reportedly made for only five million dollars. But what do you know it has made a good pile of cash and it has received generally positive reviews! Could Shyamalan still have it in him to make a good movie? This is too much build-up. Yes. He does. It’s The Visit. The Visit is a good movie.
Unfriended lost me around the time I discovered the movie was titled Unfriended. So immediately. It lost me immediately. The idea of a teen focused horror movie that centered on nefarious social media doings did not appeal to me in the slightest. It certainly didn’t help when the advertising took the clichéd route of forgoing actual footage of the movie to instead show preview audiences jumping and screaming while watching the movie. Why do I care that a bunch of people I don’t know found a movie scary? Especially teenagers. You know what’s ridiculously easy to do? Frighten teenagers. When I worked at a theatre we once had to talk a teen girl down because she refused to go back in the theatre and finish watching the Prom Night remake. The Prom Night….remake. It’s almost difficult to make a movie that doesn’t scare teenagers. So this kind of thing means nothing to me.